How I dealt with my insecurities

This month last year I was THE MOST insecure person on earth. I would validate my self-worth based on the number of likes and comments I get, and the number of followers I received fed my ego. In my head, the more "you're so pretty" comments I received, the prettier I deemed myself to be. So whenever my pictures do not get a certain number of likes or comments I will feel insecure and worthless. It got to the point where I could not leave my house without makeup on and I would fuss over a little bit of acnes or blackheads on my face. Until one day, karma hits me.

This time of the year I was very unhappy with my life, my grandfather passed away, my heart was broken multiple times by countless of boys and I was pressured by my dad every single day on what I wanted to do in the future. I was at my all time low and suddenly I started developing these rashes all over my body. 

Apparently I developed a rare case of the Steven Johnson Syndrome (SJS). I know, even the name sounds rare HAHA. Basically it started out as rashes on my legs and back, then it spreaded to my face and my genital areas. According to my dermatologist, I was fortunate to have diagnosed the syndrome at an early stage, else it would have been fatal. But knowing me at that time, my first concern was how people viewed me. I was so afraid that people would see me as a monster or some horrendous being, so I kept my head down, I covered up, and stopped going to school. Soon after, I was admitted into the hospital as it has gotten way worst and everyday was full of blood tests and x-rays. I had to pee into a cup at some point. That was why I deactivated my Instagram account at some point, because I cannot bare the thought of scrolling through Instagram and seeing all of those beautiful girls on my feed with flawless skin, it made me felt even more insecure. I know this may sound a bit too dramatic to some of you, but for a girl with so little self-worth at the time, this incident made a huge impact in my life. 

But during my stay in the hospital, it made me realise some shit. At the end of the day, your so called "followers" or "online friends" don't care about your wellbeing, heck, they didn't even notice you were gone. But you know who will stand by your side no matter what, your friends and family that you have in the real world. I was so fortunate to have friends and family who dropped by and visited me, giving me words of encouragement and cared for my wellbeing (you guys know who you are). It was thanks to them that my stay in the hospital was a bit more tolerable and I didn't resort to killing myself. 

To every guy or girl out there dealing with insecurities and lack of self-confidence, just know that in a few years all of these so called "followers" will mean nothing and the number of likes and comments you get do not equal to how well you're doing. Don't let fame get into your head and remember to always appreciate the people in your life, not the ones online but the ones in real life. Take that from a girl who makes money online HAHAHA. 

Finally, I'm not saying that I'm the most confident person on earth, I still have some moments where I still feel insecure and start comparing myself to other girls, but building confidence takes time, I'm not expecting you to be insecure one day, and be self-assured the other. Start by leaving the house without makeup on and still feel comfortable. Developing self-confidence can be a very stagnant process sometimes, but as long as you have the heart and determination to change, anything is possible. 

P.S for anyone of you dealing with skin problems recently, this is the 

contact number of the dermatologist that helped me at the time:

03-4141 3228

03-4257 2690 

(Dr. Gan Ain Tian) 

Hope it helps!