How I dealt with my insecurities

This month last year I was THE MOST insecure person on earth. I would validate my self-worth based on the number of likes and comments I get, and the number of followers I received fed my ego. In my head, the more "you're so pretty" comments I received, the prettier I deemed myself to be. So whenever my pictures do not get a certain number of likes or comments I will feel insecure and worthless. It got to the point where I could not leave my house without makeup on and I would fuss over a little bit of acnes or blackheads on my face. Until one day, karma hits me.

This time of the year I was very unhappy with my life, my grandfather passed away, my heart was broken multiple times by countless of boys and I was pressured by my dad every single day on what I wanted to do in the future. I was at my all time low and suddenly I started developing these rashes all over my body. 

Apparently I developed a rare case of the Steven Johnson Syndrome (SJS). I know, even the name sounds rare HAHA. Basically it started out as rashes on my legs and back, then it spreaded to my face and my genital areas. According to my dermatologist, I was fortunate to have diagnosed the syndrome at an early stage, else it would have been fatal. But knowing me at that time, my first concern was how people viewed me. I was so afraid that people would see me as a monster or some horrendous being, so I kept my head down, I covered up, and stopped going to school. Soon after, I was admitted into the hospital as it has gotten way worst and everyday was full of blood tests and x-rays. I had to pee into a cup at some point. That was why I deactivated my Instagram account at some point, because I cannot bare the thought of scrolling through Instagram and seeing all of those beautiful girls on my feed with flawless skin, it made me felt even more insecure. I know this may sound a bit too dramatic to some of you, but for a girl with so little self-worth at the time, this incident made a huge impact in my life. 

But during my stay in the hospital, it made me realise some shit. At the end of the day, your so called "followers" or "online friends" don't care about your wellbeing, heck, they didn't even notice you were gone. But you know who will stand by your side no matter what, your friends and family that you have in the real world. I was so fortunate to have friends and family who dropped by and visited me, giving me words of encouragement and cared for my wellbeing (you guys know who you are). It was thanks to them that my stay in the hospital was a bit more tolerable and I didn't resort to killing myself. 

To every guy or girl out there dealing with insecurities and lack of self-confidence, just know that in a few years all of these so called "followers" will mean nothing and the number of likes and comments you get do not equal to how well you're doing. Don't let fame get into your head and remember to always appreciate the people in your life, not the ones online but the ones in real life. Take that from a girl who makes money online HAHAHA. 

Finally, I'm not saying that I'm the most confident person on earth, I still have some moments where I still feel insecure and start comparing myself to other girls, but building confidence takes time, I'm not expecting you to be insecure one day, and be self-assured the other. Start by leaving the house without makeup on and still feel comfortable. Developing self-confidence can be a very stagnant process sometimes, but as long as you have the heart and determination to change, anything is possible. 

P.S for anyone of you dealing with skin problems recently, this is the 

contact number of the dermatologist that helped me at the time:

03-4141 3228

03-4257 2690 

(Dr. Gan Ain Tian) 

Hope it helps!

Relationship Advices 101

Alright before I begin, a little disclaimer guys my love life is not all sunshine and rainbows, we have our ups and downs too, our good days and bad days. But sometimes arguments and disagreements are totally fine, as it is a stepping stone for you guys to strengthen the relationship and develop a deeper  understanding between one another.

Now, putting all the cliché talk aside, let's begin this painfully honest but much needed advice shall we. So let's say it has been 3 month since you guys got together, many say that the first three months of every relationship is the "honeymoon period" and as time passed the feelings starts to fade. He starts late replying, 5 to 10 minutes replies turns to 1 to 2 hour responds. Sometimes he doesn't even respond until he's done with whatever he's doing. He used to send you cute messages every night and day, but now, even a good morning text is rare. You guys used to have a lot to talk about on the phone, but now your phone call is either full of awkward silences or he doesn't even call that often. He starts to prioritise his friends over you, his phone is never out of reach, and it's hard for you to hold a full conversation with him.

As a girl, we tend to overthink a lot during this period of time, especially when you have a lot of time in your hands and you're on your period, overthinking is unavoidable. We'll start to wonder "Does he still love me?", "Do I still matter to him?". Our thoughts will be full of him and in order to get him off our mind, we try to keep ourselves busy by watching k-dramas or apply face masks, thinking that it's a way to "pamper" ourselves, but when a notification pops us, we would still check it or glance over. When distracting ourselves doesn't work what do we resort to? Usually we will be very moody and everything we says seems like we're trying to pick a fight. As a guy in this scenario what should you do? I'm not telling you to reply every few seconds, because I get it, guys have a life too, you guys have friends to meet and work to do but sometimes, a word or reassurance is much needed. Before you head to work or hang with your friends, let your girl know beforehand and if she starts to throw a fit asking if you still love her or not, just reassure her and tell her how much you love her. Never and I repeat NEVER allow her to sleep on a cold shoulder, no matter how bad the fight is, always apologise even when it's not your fault because sometimes all she needs is your reassurance and to know that you still love her as much as she loves you. 

Honestly, a long-term relationship is not that hard to maintain if both parties are committed and will do ANYTHING to sustain it. Honesty is another major factor in keeping a relationship going, never lie to your partner, no matter how big or small the lie is, it is best to be 100% honest with your partner, because if she cannot trust you who can she trust? Of course a little white lie here and there wouldn't hurt. By that I mean when she ask if she looks fat in that dress she loves so much, just say no. But jokes aside, never keep secrets from your partner, if you're going out with a bunch of friends and there are girls there, just say so, she wouldn't come and hunt you down because of it. However, if you lie to her that is not guaranteed. Trust me guys, even if you hide it from her she would find out eventually (we girls have the stalking skills of a CIA) so why not save yourself the drama and just be straight up with her. 

Last but not least, make time for one another. It's not that difficult to plan a cute movie date or a nice dinner sometimes. It doesn't need to be anything too fancy, just the idea of taking some time out of your busy schedule to spend time with her is more than enough. Don't talk about buying gifts or planning surprises for her when you can't even fulfil the most basic role of a boyfriend, which is spending more time with her. Take not that this applies to both guys and girls, and I am just referring to the girls' perspective as it is easier for me to put myself in their shoes. I am in no way trying to be sexist here so don't come and hunt me down HAHA. 

What is love?

I find myself constantly repeating this question in my head over and over again.Because in all honesty, i have no idea how it feels like to be so called "head over heels" for somebody, let alone "love at first sight".Yea,i do give a couple of love advices here and there,but half the time i've never experienced em.Sometimes it's hard to differentiate whether u love somebody or u just enjoy their companion.Occasionally i do have a few crushes but do i truly love em, or i just find em attractive.People nowadays throwing "i love you's" like air.

Back in primary school u would always have crushes on people who told u they love u, even now in high school the same theory applies.It's like "oh you love me?" "i love you too then" kinda thing.Even being in a few relationships here and there, i have never truly LOVE somebody.That never existing love sometimes made me question my sanity.Maybe all this time i've always been dating up to no good scumbags so i've completely lost my trust in guys.Maybe i've built this huge wall surrounding me, making me immune to this so called "love".Maybe i was one of the characters in "Delirium", and i was injected with some antidote to make me "immune" to love at a very young age.(( like a divergent themed thing ))BTW "Delirium" is such a good read, y'all must check it out sometime!

Anyways, guess i'll never truly find out what love is until i find THE ONE.But you know what i'm still like what? 16? I'll have an ample of time to go figure that out.(( That is so cringeworthy ))TBH i'm procrastinating rn from doing my Econs work.21 fucking pages due next Monday. *kms*

ps i love you 

Life as an introvert

Heyya guys!Sorry i hadn't been posting anything lately,it's just that nothing interesting really happened for the past few days.If you guys hadn't know already,my life consist of eat,sleep and repeat tbh.Maybe some casual youtube.But mostly sleep.I swear i could sleep for like the entire week w/o needing to take a piss or eat.Anyways,back to the topic,so lately some really life changing people has been approaching me.Like this one time,a youtuber wanted to kinda collab w me,which is pretty cool i must say so myself because i'm not the type of youtuber that people wanted to collab w.Hahahaha idk i'm just a really awkward person and i don't mingle well w people who i'm not familiar w and i enjoy my personal space A LOT.I know i might sound like a geek,which i am tbh,but that's besides the point.

Like don't get me wrong tho,i love hanging out w my circle of friends,you know those few people i post photos with.But when it comes to a large group of people,i'll be that party pooper who doesn't talk much.It's just in my nature you know.My dad,as surprising as it may sound is just like me,for a business man,he's not good at socialising.Like when he tries to mingle,he would always sound super try hard and awkward as if this was his first time in the rodeo.I'm just putting it out there,i've a hunch that there is where i get my introvert genes.IDK.My mom on the other hand is like super friendly,surrounds herself w a lot of people.What can i say,she's just a people pleaser.Sometimes i kinda admire that trait of hers.I've always wanted to step out of my little bubble and make friends,be a social bee for once.

Like for real,i am even awkward w my cousins,who i used to spend most of my childhood w.I'm sure almost all introvert can relate,that sometimes it's not that we want to be in this little bubble of ours,but we're just not good at talking or in this case being in a room w several other people who i don't know.Anyways,what bout you guys?Are you guys an introvert or an extrovert? Either way that's ok,because that's what makes you you.

byeee!xx

Pretty privilege 

So lately i re-watched an old video by Anna Akana titled "Check your privilege".That video was bout how before you begin to judge or criticise other people,be sure to check your privilege first.Just because you're born w a silver spoon in your mouth,doesn't mean other people have that kinda privilege.Likewise,in that video Anna mentioned bout "Pretty privilege".Not everyone has model material genes.The sad truth is,beauty matters a lot in today's society.People judge you based on your appearance,and yes although that sounds shallow af,that's the sad reality that we are brought into.That is why girls apply makeup;that is why guys shave.Because unfortunately,as dumb as it may sound,people approached you based on your looks.

There's no such thing as "love at first sight",it's just a more whimsical way to say "you're hot,i love you." I've learn this during my fair share of past relationships,if you're not pretty,others won't even give you the shot to show what a great person you are.I know that sounds fucked up.I used to think that to.But let's be real here,if an unattractive guy asked for your numb you would think he's a creep or a pedo;but when a hot or attractive guy asked for your numb you'll not only give it to him but fall head over heels for him.Let's put it another way,if that girl was unattractive in her tinder profile,you would immediately swipe left;but if she's hot you would immediately swipe right and ask her out.Same logic applies for both genders.I know what you might be thinking rn,idc bout appearances,as long as they're funny and kind etc.But let's think of it this way,if they weren't attractive,you would just immediately cross em off your list before u gave them a shot.Don't get me wrong tho,i don't mean everyone's shallow but just a majority of people.But that's hella normal,even me myself would consider looks as my first priority.

But nowadays besides relationships,beauty does play a major role in getting a job,esp in Korea.If you're not good looking,no matter what college you graduated from or how smart you are,your chances of getting a job is lower than someone who has beauty and the similar accomplishments as you.Fucked up right? What bout friendships then? Well it's the same tbh.If you're more good looking,chances are you've more friends in contrast to others.That,or if you just have a wonderful personality.

But let's be real here,appearances are temporary,but personality last forever;looks may earned you their attention,but a heart of gold would make em stay.So to everyone who thinks that you would never find true love and stay lonely af,dw.Once all the guys realise that pretty girls don't last pretty,they'll come to you eventually.((oh god that sounds cheesy))

byeee!xx

ps.

My trip to Japan. 

Hey y'all!I'm pretty sure that it's no secret that i wen't to Japan not too long ago.I kid you not Japan is one of the most beautiful countries i've ever visited and it's a shame that i didn't get to go to any places besides Tokyo.I didn't even get to visit Mt.Fuji and USJ!UGH.

That aside,Japan is truly a beautiful country and here are a few reason why.

1. The peeps there were all friendly af and v v nice.Like besides the saleswoman there who were paid to be nice,everyone there had a heart of gold and was so nice!There was this one time,we got lost and we asked some fella Japanese for directions,usually in M'sia if they weren't familiar w where you're headin' they would sorta brush you off and tell you that they dk.Despite being not sure on where to go,they personally brought us there until we found it,which was sups nice of em.((s/o to this friendly group of Obasan!xx))
2. They've sound effect of fountains in most of their toilet stall?! Hell yes,like actual sounds of fountain water pouring down.Apparently those sound effects are used to cover up the sound of you peeing or pooping!Crazy right?
3. Scrumptious food!From ramens to sushi to snacks,they have it alllll! What more can you ask for? ps i might be doing a "Trying Japanaese's Snacks" video because they're snacks are too die for! I swear to god their seaweed taste better than the ones in M'sia! ((lmao i sound way too enthusiastic))
4. Gorgeous sceneries to take ideal ootds!
5. Monki's v v cheap there! when i wen't there they had like a sale at Monki and i bought tons of stuff for a really good deal!Besides that,students had like a 15% offer too,just show em your student id and you're all set.Dw,this is enclosed to students from all round the world too.But there was one saleswoman who tried to con me.So i bought a couple of accessories and i paid at the counter upstairs ((keep in mind they were 2 floors.When i asked the saleswoman whether international students have discount too she was yeah definitely!So later on,i went back to buy some more stuff but this time i paid at the ground floor as it was more convenient,and i asked the other saleswoman there and she said "sorry,no discount."Thank god i kept the receipt from earlier on,so i showed her the receipt and was like but your co-worker gave me the discount earlier and she finally gave in.Tryna con a little kid heh,ain't so easy.But i kinda understand where's she coming from so no hard feelings.
6. Besides Monki being cheap there,their Lush bath bombs are cheap af too.At least way cheaper than the ones you buy online.I bought two bath bombs for only 30 ringgit in M'sia.Usually it cost like 60+ ringgit to get at least one bath bomb,so it was a pretty legit deal.

Here are a few photos i took along the way+a bonus video:

hottie in 1,2,3

Oh god i'm having post vacation depression again.Excuse me as i go cri a river rn bcs i just absolutely miss Japan and their people.byeee!xx

Anxiety attacks

Let me be real w u guys,anxiety fucking suck.It feels horrible.One day,when you least expected it,it'll hit you like a goddamn train,it'll keep you up at night.

I know what y'all might be wondering and yes,i've experienced em.Once.I am known to be a very insecure person with very low self-esteem.My self-esteem can turn from 10 to 0 real quick.But tbfh i'm even more insecure when i see my close friends being better off than me.

One day it hit me.As i was going to pee i felt my heart thumping a bajillion times faster,it was hard for me to breath and i started hearing voices in my head.Voices telling me that i'm not good enough,that i will never be good enough,that i'm ugly etc.Those voices kept me up at night.I felt dizzy.I was shaking.I cried.

To actually describe that particular feeling is hard.To use one word to define it is even harder.Here's a little something that i wrote at that time to get my mind off things.

my mind's a maze.

sometimes,me myself have no idea what i'm thinking.

one minute i'm confident af & my self-esteem is off the chart.

one minute i'm insecure af & i just wanna build myself a fortress from the outside world.

one minute i'm envious of others.

one minute i think i'm the queen.

i'm scared.

it's as if i have multiple personalities within me & i've no idea which is the real me.

the worst part is,i'm afraid the envious & insecure side of me get ahold of me & become my dominant trait.

because i don't want that.

because when i'm feeling that way,

i am not happy.

it makes me sad.

it makes me burst into tears.

i want to be happy.

i want my positive trait to turn dominant.

i'm tired of being shy,envious & most importantly insecure.

ps i did not change anything,and i copy+paste this word for word.tbh this is the most raw side of me that i've ever shown to the internet.

The purpose of this post wasn't to gain any pity from y'all or for y'all to feel sorry for me.Trust me,that is not my intentions AT ALL.The intention of this post was to let you know that "Hey,you're not alone.You're not fighting insecurities alone.You're not suffering alone.Because they're lots of people who are experiencing the pain you're feeling.It's just that some are better in concealing em than others." I'm sure 99% of y'all has been a victim of insecurities.Because we're not born flawless,and that's ok.

byeee!xx