Life as an introvert

Heyya guys!Sorry i hadn't been posting anything lately,it's just that nothing interesting really happened for the past few days.If you guys hadn't know already,my life consist of eat,sleep and repeat tbh.Maybe some casual youtube.But mostly sleep.I swear i could sleep for like the entire week w/o needing to take a piss or eat.Anyways,back to the topic,so lately some really life changing people has been approaching me.Like this one time,a youtuber wanted to kinda collab w me,which is pretty cool i must say so myself because i'm not the type of youtuber that people wanted to collab w.Hahahaha idk i'm just a really awkward person and i don't mingle well w people who i'm not familiar w and i enjoy my personal space A LOT.I know i might sound like a geek,which i am tbh,but that's besides the point.

Like don't get me wrong tho,i love hanging out w my circle of friends,you know those few people i post photos with.But when it comes to a large group of people,i'll be that party pooper who doesn't talk much.It's just in my nature you know.My dad,as surprising as it may sound is just like me,for a business man,he's not good at socialising.Like when he tries to mingle,he would always sound super try hard and awkward as if this was his first time in the rodeo.I'm just putting it out there,i've a hunch that there is where i get my introvert genes.IDK.My mom on the other hand is like super friendly,surrounds herself w a lot of people.What can i say,she's just a people pleaser.Sometimes i kinda admire that trait of hers.I've always wanted to step out of my little bubble and make friends,be a social bee for once.

Like for real,i am even awkward w my cousins,who i used to spend most of my childhood w.I'm sure almost all introvert can relate,that sometimes it's not that we want to be in this little bubble of ours,but we're just not good at talking or in this case being in a room w several other people who i don't know.Anyways,what bout you guys?Are you guys an introvert or an extrovert? Either way that's ok,because that's what makes you you.

byeee!xx

Pretty privilege 

So lately i re-watched an old video by Anna Akana titled "Check your privilege".That video was bout how before you begin to judge or criticise other people,be sure to check your privilege first.Just because you're born w a silver spoon in your mouth,doesn't mean other people have that kinda privilege.Likewise,in that video Anna mentioned bout "Pretty privilege".Not everyone has model material genes.The sad truth is,beauty matters a lot in today's society.People judge you based on your appearance,and yes although that sounds shallow af,that's the sad reality that we are brought into.That is why girls apply makeup;that is why guys shave.Because unfortunately,as dumb as it may sound,people approached you based on your looks.

There's no such thing as "love at first sight",it's just a more whimsical way to say "you're hot,i love you." I've learn this during my fair share of past relationships,if you're not pretty,others won't even give you the shot to show what a great person you are.I know that sounds fucked up.I used to think that to.But let's be real here,if an unattractive guy asked for your numb you would think he's a creep or a pedo;but when a hot or attractive guy asked for your numb you'll not only give it to him but fall head over heels for him.Let's put it another way,if that girl was unattractive in her tinder profile,you would immediately swipe left;but if she's hot you would immediately swipe right and ask her out.Same logic applies for both genders.I know what you might be thinking rn,idc bout appearances,as long as they're funny and kind etc.But let's think of it this way,if they weren't attractive,you would just immediately cross em off your list before u gave them a shot.Don't get me wrong tho,i don't mean everyone's shallow but just a majority of people.But that's hella normal,even me myself would consider looks as my first priority.

But nowadays besides relationships,beauty does play a major role in getting a job,esp in Korea.If you're not good looking,no matter what college you graduated from or how smart you are,your chances of getting a job is lower than someone who has beauty and the similar accomplishments as you.Fucked up right? What bout friendships then? Well it's the same tbh.If you're more good looking,chances are you've more friends in contrast to others.That,or if you just have a wonderful personality.

But let's be real here,appearances are temporary,but personality last forever;looks may earned you their attention,but a heart of gold would make em stay.So to everyone who thinks that you would never find true love and stay lonely af,dw.Once all the guys realise that pretty girls don't last pretty,they'll come to you eventually.((oh god that sounds cheesy))

byeee!xx

ps.

My trip to Japan. 

Hey y'all!I'm pretty sure that it's no secret that i wen't to Japan not too long ago.I kid you not Japan is one of the most beautiful countries i've ever visited and it's a shame that i didn't get to go to any places besides Tokyo.I didn't even get to visit Mt.Fuji and USJ!UGH.

That aside,Japan is truly a beautiful country and here are a few reason why.

1. The peeps there were all friendly af and v v nice.Like besides the saleswoman there who were paid to be nice,everyone there had a heart of gold and was so nice!There was this one time,we got lost and we asked some fella Japanese for directions,usually in M'sia if they weren't familiar w where you're headin' they would sorta brush you off and tell you that they dk.Despite being not sure on where to go,they personally brought us there until we found it,which was sups nice of em.((s/o to this friendly group of Obasan!xx))
2. They've sound effect of fountains in most of their toilet stall?! Hell yes,like actual sounds of fountain water pouring down.Apparently those sound effects are used to cover up the sound of you peeing or pooping!Crazy right?
3. Scrumptious food!From ramens to sushi to snacks,they have it alllll! What more can you ask for? ps i might be doing a "Trying Japanaese's Snacks" video because they're snacks are too die for! I swear to god their seaweed taste better than the ones in M'sia! ((lmao i sound way too enthusiastic))
4. Gorgeous sceneries to take ideal ootds!
5. Monki's v v cheap there! when i wen't there they had like a sale at Monki and i bought tons of stuff for a really good deal!Besides that,students had like a 15% offer too,just show em your student id and you're all set.Dw,this is enclosed to students from all round the world too.But there was one saleswoman who tried to con me.So i bought a couple of accessories and i paid at the counter upstairs ((keep in mind they were 2 floors.When i asked the saleswoman whether international students have discount too she was yeah definitely!So later on,i went back to buy some more stuff but this time i paid at the ground floor as it was more convenient,and i asked the other saleswoman there and she said "sorry,no discount."Thank god i kept the receipt from earlier on,so i showed her the receipt and was like but your co-worker gave me the discount earlier and she finally gave in.Tryna con a little kid heh,ain't so easy.But i kinda understand where's she coming from so no hard feelings.
6. Besides Monki being cheap there,their Lush bath bombs are cheap af too.At least way cheaper than the ones you buy online.I bought two bath bombs for only 30 ringgit in M'sia.Usually it cost like 60+ ringgit to get at least one bath bomb,so it was a pretty legit deal.

Here are a few photos i took along the way+a bonus video:

hottie in 1,2,3

Oh god i'm having post vacation depression again.Excuse me as i go cri a river rn bcs i just absolutely miss Japan and their people.byeee!xx

Anxiety attacks

Let me be real w u guys,anxiety fucking suck.It feels horrible.One day,when you least expected it,it'll hit you like a goddamn train,it'll keep you up at night.

I know what y'all might be wondering and yes,i've experienced em.Once.I am known to be a very insecure person with very low self-esteem.My self-esteem can turn from 10 to 0 real quick.But tbfh i'm even more insecure when i see my close friends being better off than me.

One day it hit me.As i was going to pee i felt my heart thumping a bajillion times faster,it was hard for me to breath and i started hearing voices in my head.Voices telling me that i'm not good enough,that i will never be good enough,that i'm ugly etc.Those voices kept me up at night.I felt dizzy.I was shaking.I cried.

To actually describe that particular feeling is hard.To use one word to define it is even harder.Here's a little something that i wrote at that time to get my mind off things.

my mind's a maze.

sometimes,me myself have no idea what i'm thinking.

one minute i'm confident af & my self-esteem is off the chart.

one minute i'm insecure af & i just wanna build myself a fortress from the outside world.

one minute i'm envious of others.

one minute i think i'm the queen.

i'm scared.

it's as if i have multiple personalities within me & i've no idea which is the real me.

the worst part is,i'm afraid the envious & insecure side of me get ahold of me & become my dominant trait.

because i don't want that.

because when i'm feeling that way,

i am not happy.

it makes me sad.

it makes me burst into tears.

i want to be happy.

i want my positive trait to turn dominant.

i'm tired of being shy,envious & most importantly insecure.

ps i did not change anything,and i copy+paste this word for word.tbh this is the most raw side of me that i've ever shown to the internet.

The purpose of this post wasn't to gain any pity from y'all or for y'all to feel sorry for me.Trust me,that is not my intentions AT ALL.The intention of this post was to let you know that "Hey,you're not alone.You're not fighting insecurities alone.You're not suffering alone.Because they're lots of people who are experiencing the pain you're feeling.It's just that some are better in concealing em than others." I'm sure 99% of y'all has been a victim of insecurities.Because we're not born flawless,and that's ok.

byeee!xx

I'm a fboy magnet.

So lately i've been seeing a lot of peeps from my school writing blogs,so i thought why not give it a try? Oh god,why am i even doing this.I've got a gut feeling that this is NOT a good idea.Here goes nothing.

So i'd bet a lot of y'all who's reading this rn had no idea that i was seeing somebody.That's because we went out just once and i didn't upload a photo bout it on ig.Because part of me knows that this dude ain't sincere,but part of me lost my mind and accepted him.

First and foremost,the first date was absolutely bullcrap ((no offence)).We promised to meet up round 11am at pavi and yes tho i gotta admit i was late for like 10 mins,this dude came even later than me.If he would just meet me straightaway when he got there i won't be that pissed.But no,he had to go and try on some swimming trunks because he had training later on.fyi yes,he is a swimmer.Even my momma who was waiting w me got supper mad as she was already late to work because of the hold up.So that was a really bad first impression for starters.

We finally met up,and i swear this dude starts telling me i'm beautiful like every 10 mins.Don't get me wrong,getting a compliment is flattering and all but receiving it more than once made me suspect whether he was a fboy or nah.Unfortunately back then,him being a fboy just didn't cross my mind. 

ps i really wanna cuss but am holding it in,just in case underage kids are reading this.

Anyways,back to the story.So we wen't to have lunch at tgif and i kid you not that was the most awkward moment i've ever experienced.Like ever.We had zero chemistry.Like zero,nada.We were just chatting bout our mutual friends and that was practically it.He even resorted to checking his phone soon after.But that was ok because i am not those kinda girls who find that as a pet peeve,until he started to call up his friend.So apparently this friend of his owes him money and since he works nearby he's gonna get the money back.So kind-hearted little ol' me was like sure go ahead and he was gone for a solid 10 mins.ps the pasta there tasted really bad that day.So imagine yourself consuming shitty pasta while the guy who supposedly asked you out ditched you.I wanted to go home so bad.But at least later on,he payed for the whole meal.Don't get me wrong tho,i did offered to spilt the bill.

Later on,we went to catch a movie which was hella long to me because i was watching it with him.We barely talked throughout the movie and by that point i just wanted to head home like pronto.When the movie finally ended and my mom texted me saying that she was here i was like YAAAZ.So when we were saying our last goodbyes  he wen't in for a hug.So i was like yeah sure why not,i'm never meeting you again anyways lmao.Not too long after,i received a long ass text and guess who it's from.him.In the text it says something along the lines of:"hey i know this is really random but here it goes.before this i liked u but after hanging out with you today i realised that i've fallen in love with you.Would you be my significant other?" blah blah blah.

At first i was reluctant to text him back cause it was too spontaneous,i had no idea what to do,how to comprehend it.Thus i seek advice from my so called love expert mom.Yes i talk bout boys with my mom,don't judge.She was like well he sounded pretty genuine to me and you should give him a shot and step out of your comfort zone for once.Since my mom was so obsessed bout zodiac signs she started to calculate whether our signs aligned lmao.Then she went on to say that his zodiac sign absolutely pampered and love my sign and that we would be a great couple so i took her advice and accepted him.Worst decision ever and here was me thinking that i've matured from my past relationship failures.

Throughout the span of our relationship,we were constantly fighting over the most little of things.Our relationship weren't "healthy",it was toxic.He would always flirt and take ootds w other girls w his arms round their waist.On the days where we don't argue,our convo were usually really awkward.He would call me beautiful and says he loves me then vice-versa,and that would be it.

One time when i was in Japan,he wen't on a short getaway w his "friends".But when i went on snapc i saw a girl who resembles his ex on his mystory.But i wasn't 100% sure as the quality was really blur so i just brush it off.Don't wanna overthink during my vacay right.Plus the last thing i wan't is to fight w him again.But later that day,he confessed himself on whatsapp that he was definitely w his ex and that was because his friends invited her without him knowing.Although i had my doubts,i just kinda brush it off and was like it's cool just don't do anything stupid aite.Then he wen't on to pull this dumb prank on me by telling me that she kissed him later that day.I believed him.We fought.Made up.The end.

A few days after my trip from Japan he started to treat me all different.Bare in mind that this was after his prom that 1.he did not invited me to. 2.he took photos with other girls there.((with his arms round their waist)).Comments such as "OTP" and "Ship" starts to flood under those pics soon after.I'll be lying if i say i weren't a tiny bit jealous.Anyways back to the OG story,he started to act all distant round me and i could feel like he was being sorta impatient when we were talking.It felt he was just pleasing me.It felt like he was not trying anymore.He did asked me out the other day but i had plans so i requested some other day.The next day rolls in and he started to tell me how he was a player in the past and he flirted w one of my best friends and bullcrap like that.So i was feeling something fishy like why would he bring stuff like this up all of a sudden.Later that day,he broke up w me.The reason was because i got bored of you.Well,well,well what a nice way to break up with somebody. Lesson of the day:if your gut's telling you that he is most probably a fboy,trust your instincts,because a girl's six sense is NEVER wrong.

I actually wanted to do a story time video on my Youtube channel on this,but in respect for the other party i would not do it ATM.Maybe in the near future? 

Holy shit,it's 3 in the morning rn and i'm still not asleep.My tummy's asking for food so imma go now.I'm soooo gonna gain some carbs after this but who cares.#noshame 

byeee!xx

ps i'm like totes in love w Troye's new album "Blue Neighbourhood",esp "Youth" and Ruth b's "Superficial love" 😍